Happy New Year! Some believe this is the final new year for humanity.

Anyway just want to wish all of you a very Happy New Year again. May all your wishes come true.

Toward the end of last year I was spending a lot of time thinking about my new years resolution.

At one of our company meetings, the HR Vice President shared this video, and it has some very useful reminders about achieving success and greatness:

This is the link if you can’t view the embedded video.

I have this list of life goals. I won’t share the details here, but I can tell you there are 15 things I wanted to achieve by the year 2015.

After viewing this video, I realize I need to narrow that list to just one thing.

I have a few choices and I haven’t decided what my “focus” will be.

Choosing just one thing is more difficult that you would imagine.

First of all, as a Christian you would be expected to choose God as your one thing.

As a husband and father you would be expected to choose your family as your one thing.

As a valuable employee, you are expected to choose your company, cost savings or profits as your one thing.

Choosing anything else would make me seem sinful, or selfish, or a bad “team player”.

But I’m going to choose something else anyway. Something I am passionate about.

Now, you ask me. What about all my other priorities in life? Do I abandon them?

Definitely not! I am still a husband, father, and employee. But in my spare time, this is what I will be pursuing.

And if you think about it, this goal of mine does not mean excluding everything else. Other areas of my life can be aligned along the same path.

My hope is I can do much more with the single focus. Then next year I can move on to other things.

I’m feeling really excited about this.

Hope you have a great year.

Photo by: Billy Alexander

A melancholic post for this Christmas season.

How exciting to be a child once again. I would have all the time in the world, and anything was possible.

I felt like I could have done anything if I had worked harder on it. It was just a matter of time.

But time slipped by and the hands of the clock didn’t stop their relentless march.

Here I am at the mid-point of my life looking back at missed opportunities.

I also realize with dismay that I’m running out of options as I grow older.

As I grew up I realized that I wasn’t the smartest. I wasn’t tall enough, strong enough or fast enough.

I could not be as creative or intelligent as I wanted.

I struggled to grasp the basics of things that seem to come naturally for others.

I am not a gifted, talented or natural at anything.

I am not good looking, charming or witty.

In recent years I realized that I did not have the resources, nor did I know how to gain more.

As time went on, I resigned myself to the fact that there were things I would never be able to do.

It hurts when dreams die.

Yes I look around and I learn to be thankful for the things I have and the people I’ve met. I’m so blessed with my wife and three kids, and for my family who’s always there.

I know I am more fortunate than a lot of people. I’m thankful for so many things.

But still, the dissatisfaction remains. A nagging thought and a stab to the heart at unexpected moments. The silent questions of why and what if.

I can make the feeling go away, but they always come back.

I can’t fully express what I feel. I’m not very good with words.

Opportunities missed are gone forever, and dreams have to be let go.

Younger people will surpass me in success and accomplishments. There will be others who are fortunate enough to receive piles of money while I have to struggle to save a few ringgit.

Maybe you tell me my priorities are not in the right place. What happened to following God’s plan? What happened to thinking about your children?

You’re right.

Maybe it’s time to give up all those selfish things. But I wonder what would be left?

I feel sad and a little scared because I don’t know where I am headed. I don’t dare to dream any more.

Don’t be alarmed or worried for me. I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head. I always feel better after writing about it.

I just hope it doesn’t blow up into some sort of crisis.

Photo By: Benjamin Earwicke

Life has settled down into a nice routine.

Thank God baby Caleb is pretty easy to handle (if you feed him on time). At this stage he’s content to lie down and observe his surroundings, but that will soon change when he starts to crawl.

Today I just want to share my new strategy for surviving as a daddy of three. I don’t even know if I am right or wrong, but I’ve been thinking and discovering some things along the way.

Multi-Skilled

People ask us, how do you handle three young kids who are 3.5 years apart?

Well, the answer is both parents need to multi-task and be skilled in everything.

I have to feed and bathe the kids. I have to know how to put them to bed. Both of us parents must be able to take over at any moment.

That would be the perfect scenario but I admit I’m tired sometimes. Sometimes I become the fourth baby and add to Poey Chin’s burden (which is why she’s a super mom).

Thankfully we’ve never come across any situation where all three kids need attention at the same time.

And we do have help from our parents and my aunty during the day.

So my first strategy is to take initiative to do everything, even things I can’t stand like washing milk bottles *gag*

Close One Eye

Recently I have tried to close one eye, not to worry so much or nag them so much.

I really dislike clutter and mess in my house. I’m seriously considering giving them a room or an area where they can mess up all they like.

Another thing is I used to worry a lot about the kids hurting themselves.

I will hover over them, following them around and making sure they are not about to fall or poke their eyes or something.

When they sleep I have to check if they’re still breathing.

Now… less paranoid.

Don’t Waste My Breath

Take a typical scenario where the kids play with toys and leave them all over the floor.

Before: “Pick up your toys” (repeat 10 times). “I will CONFISCATE YOUR TOYS!!” (and other threats). 1 hour later toys will be on the floor again.

Now: Just get them to clean up the toys at the end of their play time.

Sometimes I still fail. I get upset at them especially when I’m tired or busy or stressed. But I try to repeat to myself, “don’t waste your breath, don’t waste your breath”.

Toys

We have 3 or 4 boxes of toys in our living room, and countless soft toys.

I think my kids probably play with less than 20% of them.

I’m going to start slowly storing those toys they don’t play with, and see if they notice anything missing.

I bet they won’t.

Money

There will never be enough money for you to afford having kids (unless you’ve been really successful financially).

The list of expenses never end.

Say goodbye to the term ‘disposable income’ because it will all go to the kids. From disposable income to disposable diapers haha.

But I will try not to worry too much. I believe things always work out in the end.

Incidentally I discovered kids don’t have any concept of the value of money. They won’t understand when you keep asking them not to hit the TV screen with your mobile phone because they have no idea what it costs to repair or replace those things.

So I will try to stop nagging them about spoiling things, and needing money to repair. I mean, they just don’t understand. Maybe they will understand when the TV breaks and they can’t have their Barney / Hi-5 anymore.

Time

I’ve noticed the kids act up as a way to get my attention. No, they act up because I don’t give them enough attention.

So starting with this weekend, I’m going to put aside time to spend with each one of them individually.

I hope it will improve our understanding of each other, and to communicate better.

Not Easy

Most of the time on this blog you will never hear about the things going on ‘behind the scenes’. You only see the happy photos.

I’m still struggling to be a good father. I have so many weaknesses. They drive me up the wall.

On the flipside, they can be such sweet adorable darlings.

If I were to rate myself, I’d be a 3 out of 10.

I just hope this new strategy will help make life better for all of us.

Image By: Marko Malca

It will be my 32nd birthday tomorrow. Rachel and Poey Chin made me a beautiful card.

This is the cover of the card.

We don’t have anything special planned, maybe I will get to go out with Poey Chin for the evening.

I look back at last year’s birthday blog post and I still want the same things haha.

Maybe this year we can skip the KFC and go for vegetarian Indian food.

I was just reflecting back on my life. So many events have happened to me. Childhood and my teenage years still feel like yesterday.

Sigh, the years are catching up. Before I know it I’ll be 40.

Amateur light painting attempt, to commemorate my 32nd year.

This year I want to start something different. I will try to capture a snapshot of my life and write letters to my future self, so I can look back from the future.

Here goes.

Dear Future Adino,

We just had our third child Caleb, and it seems our family is now complete. The foundation has been laid. Now it’s time to build up.

Things are still a bit chaotic, but the elements are coming together and a routine is being established again.

I’m so thankful for all that I have, even though there’s so much more I don’t have.

Thats ok because I have what money can’t buy. Love and a supportive family.

The things I don’t have, they are mostly material things. Sometimes I wonder, just if, what if…

I could be driving a better car, living in a nicer house. I could have that cool computer or TV. We could be taking overseas vacations. We could afford to eat at those restaurants.

But I would gladly trade all of those things for the three kids I have now.

I am still an imperfect father. But they are lovely and they love me. Each one of them are so special.

This is just the beginning of a long road ahead. I wonder how things will turn out.

In terms of my career, I can’t say much here, but I’m so, so tired.

Finally, just because I’m mischievous, here’s a message only my future self would understand.

Pzt’a rdc bov pwnf hysbjs knj ri zqwemn pioh. Gchatljt ur kisbt’r jfbw kijlkiba lr rdc! Apcc jngu azaqsn kmnnzeb H rdc ju ghfbg ri dg xhforkg. Hm & hjn pqzzsj, L nbmfrq sedkla $0.99!

-Adino, 2011-

One month after he changed our lives, we’re slowly adjusting to him.

To be honest with you, I didn’t have much time with Caleb when confinement auntie was here. Each time I picked him up, I sensed he was afraid of me, or he didn’t like me.

In the past week, I’ve had the chance to feed, bathe and carry him. Slowly we’re building that bond. He no longer tries to escape when I pick him up or cry. Instead he will look at me, and I think he can recognize me.

He always has that same expression, like in the photo above. He would look at me, observing, not responding. Mostly looking content and comfortable.

He looks at me, trusting me to take care of him. But I don’t know how to tell Caleb that I’m not perfect.

I look at Caleb and think, what a special and unique child. Each of them are so different, and yet similar in many ways.

When I hold him I remember how it felt to hold Rachel and Daryl. I wonder how Caleb will be. I try to imagine him all grown up. It seems like he’ll be a serious, steady, introspective type of guy.

Someone who enjoys immersing himself in the fantastic worlds he can find in books or computer games. I think I just described myself haha.

I could be wrong, it’s too early to tell really.

I just feel like hugging him all the time.

Slowly but surely, we are settling down into a pseudo-routine. There’s always a sense that total chaos is only a heart beat away.

It’s most difficult at night, when there’s just the two of us with the three kids. It feels like a juggling act.

Sometimes it’s so frustrating. One of them would cry or makes a noise and all 3 kids wake up. Then we have to start the bedtime routine again.

Poey Chin has become the Ultra Super Saiyan mom. I still don’t know where she finds the strength and energy, but she does it.

I guess the reward is, the kids always have this special connection to her. They look for her first when they are hurt. And they are comforted immediately when she holds them.

They only look for me when they want Angry Birds or Barney. Just joking. Sometimes they want YouTube too.

As a father, I sometimes feel like I’m alternating between the role as their play-mate and the role as the discipline guy.

At this stage I just wish for all the kids to be healthy. This past weekend Daryl was sick, and it was so hard. That’s why I didn’t have the chance to take any more photos and blog.

Daryl would be unwell and crying, Caleb would cry asking to be fed or changed, and Rachel would be getting in the way. It was so tiring and exhausting.

I’m also anxious for Caleb to get a few months older. At this stage, we’re so stressed because he’s so fragile and vulnerable.

I don’t know if I’m crazy but sometimes I wake up to check if he’s still breathing.

These past few weeks I’ve been feeling so tired.

It started when I was eating my usual lunch. The same lunch I would eat on Tuesday afternoons. Mamak-style fried koay teow with two eggs.

I was in my eighth bite or so when I suddenly hit a wall. I just stared at what I was eating and didn’t feel like taking another bite.

I looked around and I didn’t even feel like going back to work after lunch. I didn’t have the mood to speak to anybody.

I just felt so tired of everything, and I’ve been stuck in this rut for a while now.

Part of me is enjoying the daily fixed routines, but some small part of me is rebelling and asking for more variety.

The weekend came and I didn’t even want to go to church. Here’s what happens on Sundays.

We spend an hour getting ready, then bundle the kids in the car. We go somewhere for breakfast and if we’re lucky we can get through the meal without tantrums. Then in church Poey Chin has to babysit Rachel while I babysit Daryl.

Feels like a pointless exercise to me, having to watch the celebration on the TV and not being able to participate.

I did try a few things to brighten my mood.

First, I spent Saturday afternoon cleaning out a couple of kitchen drawers. Cleaning and decluttering always cheers me up. It helped a little.

Second, I picked up an old guitar and started following some lessons on YouTube. That gave me something new to occupy my mind.

Third, I had a piece of fried chicken and some char siew last Sunday. I thought this tiredness came because I didn’t eat any meat. Turns out I still felt the same after that haha.

I’m feeling tired and bored about so many things. I keep thinking and wishing for things to be different, to be better but I see no way out of my present situation.

Well don’t worry too much about me. I’m just going through one of my moods.

Hope this tired, bored feeling goes away soon.

P/S: No I’m not tired of my wife or her cooking.

Photo By: superburg

I’ve been reading a couple of books on sustainability, and my eyes have been opened to what we’re doing to the environment.

I have to admit being turned off from all the going green hype and dire warnings because, well, everyone seemed to be repeating the same old message.

But after reading the books, I sort of gained a new perspective of things.

I started to go online to read up more, and I found that a lot of the things we take for granted are actually quite harmful to the earth.

For example, the detergents, plastic bottles and plastic bags we use, the energy we consume will lead to permanent changes in the climate and environment.

I realize that going green is no longer an option for the rich, the famous or those who just need a cause to root for.

Going green is something we have to do.

What kind of world will Rachel, Daryl and Baby3 inherit from us?

Therefore, with this new realization I have resolved to do several things.

Small Steps

1. Add plastics and batteries to my recycling corner at home.

Right now I only store newspaper and mixed paper for recycling, but I guess I could find ways to reduce the amount of waste we generate.

2. Reduce meat consumption

Every animal we eat consumes vast amounts of water and food, not to mention the resources used to transport them.

I am seriously considering going semi-vegan, which means I will choose vegetarian when I can. I will still eat meat if there’s no other choice (or if I’m at a dinner event or something).

3. Reduce water consumption

I will try to use less water when washing, and only when necessary.

4. Drive less

I will try to walk if necessary, plan trips in advance, and choose nearby destinations.

5. Take the stairs

Reduce power consumption and getting some exercise.

Bigger Steps

6. Switch to biodegradable, non-toxic cleaning products

Someone introduced a brand of biodegradable household products to my wife, and we’re thinking of trying it out, for our health and for the environment.

The downside is, the products are more costly.

7. Buy quality products.

Next time we buy major items like furniture, appliances or clothing, we will try to get the best quality to last many, many years. I think it’s time to get out of the cheap disposable mindset when it comes to buying things.

We’ll probably afford less things, but I guess it’s good because we won’t have so many things, and the things we have, will last.

8. Get involved in environmental projects

There’s a Green committee at my workplace, I’ll see if they need any volunteers.

.

I apologize if there were any inaccuracies in this post. I’m quite new to this and I’ve a lot to learn.

Some of the things I want to do are easy… the more difficult ones have to do with spending extra money and convincing others to do the same.

It’s not easy to change my habits and life style. I just hope to do the best I can.

Image by: Nino Satria

It has been a couple of weeks since my blog post where I was complaining about a lot of things in life. I apologize if I’ve shocked some of you dear readers.

Sometimes I just need to write about things that are bothering me. It’s my best way of expressing myself and I feel better afterwards.

Of course, all of the advice and encouragement I received from you helped a lot, to put me back in a positive perspective and attitude about life.

Here are some of the ways things have turned out.

Rachel

We’ve discovered that Rachel needs more attention. Her love language is quality time, and I’ve been trying to spend more time with her.

For the past two weeks, I’ve been there with her at bedtime reading to her and talking to her about her day.

I’ve spent more time playing with her.

I’ve taken her out on a couple of father-daughter ‘dates’ and we’re really enjoying that time together.

The result is, she is more eager to listen and more receptive to our explanation.

We have also decided to let her stay at home for a month, not pressure her to go to daycare until she’s ready.

Things are not perfect, but we can see something is working and we’ll keep trying.

We’re also learning a lot from Pastor Emily and hope to practice the tips she has taught us. Basically we have to ‘undo’ our mistakes and try to do it better.

Right now we’re trying to wean her off her midnight milk requests. Last night she cried for half an hour. Hope it won’t happen again tonight.

Baby 3

At our last checkup, doctor was unsure of the gender. He could only give us a guess so I won’t announce it on this blog yet.

Work

It’s funny how some problems work themselves out.

I suddenly find more time to do the things I’m supposed to do because of some change in strategy.

So I’m being more effective at work, hoping I will be able to produce better results.

We’re hiring, so contact me if you know any .Net programmers or DBAs looking for work. Also feel free to contact me if you want to find out more about the job or my company.

Moving On

Life has to go on. I just have to count my blessings instead of dwelling on the negative.

I just have to partner with my wife and give as much help and support as I can.

I just have to be more patient.

Photo by: laurentzziu / cc

Hi everyone I’m back after a long break. As you can probably guess from the title, it has been difficult the past few weeks.

I recently mentioned that I was going through some bumps. Well it’s become worse.

Rachel

Rachel is becoming really difficult.

She’s starting to pick up behaviours that we can’t accept.

It seems that she’s even regressing in some areas. She refuses to go to daycare, refuses to walk by herself, throwing tantrums.

I’ve tried being nice, being tough, and nothing works.

She just won’t listen or accept any explanation or reasoning. She goes into crying, screaming and stamping her feet when her demands are not met immediately.

Sometimes we just can’t give in because she demands to do something dangerous or impossible (like going to the park at 5am).

I really have nothing left to give. No more energy, no more dignity, no more patience.

Some say it’s the terrible timing of going through her early toddler years and the pending arrival of our third baby.

Yesterday Nichole and Rachel visited an expert in church and she came back with some helpful tips. Turns out there are ways to handle all these demands and tantrums in positive ways.

So we will be trying to follow and hope things improve.

Baby 3

I’m sorry to say this, but our third child is really the forgotten one. We’re so occupied with Rachel and Daryl that sometimes I don’t even remember Poey Chin is pregnant.

In the blink of an eye, Poey Chin is almost five months pregnant.

This weekend we will be having a checkup, and we hope to find out if we’re having a baby boy or girl so stay tuned.

I don’t tell anyone but I Baby 3 will stress our finances to the breaking point.

Money

I’m really worried about our finances.

In the span of a few years, I’ve gone from really comfortable, to just okay, to swimming hard to stay afloat.

I was hoping to sell off some of my shares to settle some upcoming insurance and medical bills for child delivery, but look at the stock market these few weeks.

Still in Chinese New Year mood because everything is red!

And on the other side of the spectrum, expenses keep climbing. Milk. Diapers. Doctor visits. Vitamins. Food.

I’m considering selling my car and cycling to work (it’s a 25km round trip). Maybe I’ll get a night-shift job at McDonald’s.

Maybe I’ll try harder to get income from blogging (HAHAHAHAHAHA joke of the year. Refer to sections ‘Rachel’ and ‘Baby3′ above).

Work

I try not to talk about my work, but work is making me unhappy too.

I’m doing a lot of things that keep me from doing things I’m supposed to be doing. Why? Because we’re shorthanded. And it’s really tough to find good replacements for staff who leave.

Maybe we’re just too nice because when someone complains, we have to take tasks as reassign to someone who doesn’t complain. Or, I end up having to do it myself.

Yesterday one of my most dependable and capable staff just resigned. I feel happy for that person, finding better opportunities. But I feel sad for myself. It’s like having to start all over again.

Two of my staff have resigned since bonus payout, and I’m suspecting one or two more are thinking about it.

Trying so hard for so few results. Everyone wants things to be perfect, user-friendly and delivered right now. I want that too, but I only have two hands and one brain.

The Dark Valley

So I’m not happy at home. I’m not happy at work.

On weekdays I don’t look forward to weekends and on weekends I don’t look forward to weekdays.

Everything I try ends with disappointment or discouragement.

I am failing as a father, a husband, a leader, a person.

I can only take it one day at a time. Hope tomorrow will be better. Try to survive the dark valley and come out stronger.

Image By: Piotr Pawel

So it’s that time of the year again. Time to announce publicly my goals for the year.

The occasion of a new year comes gives me a fresh feeling. It’s a chance to start anew. It’s an exciting time to plan and dream.

I wonder how much more I can achieve if I could plan and dream more often.

You can call them new year’s resolutions, but I prefer to call them my desires.

I believe we can change if we really desire something. Without this desire, nothing can motivate us for long.

Desire Number One: Minimize

My first desire is to reduce and minimize.

There’s so much stuff in my life, so much extra, so much bulk, so much waste. All this has to be cut down to the minimum.

I have to evaluate our consumer habits. Are we spending too much money, buying too many things, for things of minimal value?

I’m trying to be more conscious of our impact to the environment. Less use of resources, less consumption, less waste.

Desire Number Two: Order and Routine

I’ve been married almost four years, and all this time it has been one change after another.

We weren’t even settled down as a married couple before the first baby came. When we were still coming to grasps of facing our toddler’s terrible two stage, the second baby arrived. This year we’re expecting a third baby.

All of these changes make me very uncomfortable, stressed and never feeling at peace.

I need time to catch my breath. I need things to be properly organized.

I need some form of routine.

This will be a year of consolidation. A time to tie up loose ends, to pick up things we’ve neglected, to organize our home, to setup systems and work flows.

It’s time to mend things that are broken, time to clean and maintain equipment to make them last longer.

Conclusion

You may call me weird. You can call me stingy. You can say I’m a bad guy.

But I have to do this.

If we don’t minimize, our consumption will grow out of control. We will run out of resources especially when Baby 3.0 arrives. There will be so much stuff until we won’t fit in our condo any more.

If we don’t have systems and work flows, we won’t have the time or energy to take care of two babies and a toddler. We will always be reacting to situations instead of being pro-active.

I do have other fitness and financial goals, but those will have to take a lower priority so I won’t even mention here.

How about you? What are your resolutions for this year?

Photo By: Billy Alexander

We’re in the last 10 days of the decade.

Have you taken some time to reflect on the year?

This was a special year for me and my family. It seems more eventful compared to previous years.

Interests

I started the year picking up two new hobbies, bowling and chess.

My knees hurt too much after bowling, so that led me to start exercising to strengthen my legs.

Before I knew it, I was losing 1 or 2 kg a week. Getting fit again was certainly one of my happiest achievements for the year.

I also developed the urge to make simple things like apple pie, bread, cheese cake and cookies.

Highest and Lowest

The lowest point for me has to be my father in law passing away. It was a difficult time for everyone, and Poey Chin suffered a lot of pain.

One week after he passed away, Poey Chin gave birth to baby Daryl. This is the highest point of the year for me.

Daryl was a comfort in the time of grieving. He is always cheerful and smiling. He is such a special boy.

Kids

Having a toddler and a baby at the same time is really challenging. Our finances, patience, sanity, time and wits were stretched. It would be impossible to have made it without the help of my parents, my kai ma, and my mother-in-law.

I struggle trying to discipline Rachel. Sometimes she’s disobedient, rude and stubborn which makes me furious. I’ve screamed at her so many times.

But sometimes she becomes my sweet baby daughter and I have to remind myself she’s only two years old. She’s learning so fast now and it’s a joy to watch her do something new every other day.

Work

This was a challenging year at work. We failed a major project and had to recover from that. Then we had to come out with quick win projects to redeem ourselves, and restart the major project.

Experiences

We had nice holidays to Port Dickson, Cameron Highlands and Penang. My favourite was definitely Port Dickson. Probably it was the most relaxing trip because Daryl was still in the womb.

I had my first massage.

I lost my wedding ring, and Poey Chin found it again.

I got a new toy this year, my Samsung Galaxy S Android phone. It is no doubt, a very useful device. But sometimes I think I could have lived without one too.

We sent both kids to day care and though it seems like an unnecessary expense, it helps to give us a break. We get to recover our energy to spend quality time with out kids, rather than being stressed and tired all the time.

What I Could Have Done Better

I could have been more patient. I struggle to control my impatience and unrealistic expectations.

I have to learn how to control my temper.

At work, I could have been more balanced in my role. Due to tight deadlines I was too busy rushing programming job but I neglected my colleagues.

I could have planned better. I still feel we are wasting a lot of resources at home. I have to find ways to organize and streamline. I have to eliminate and reduce. I have to find smarter alternatives.

I should attend church more often and get my inner life back in order.

How Was Your 2010?

Was your year eventful too? What were your highest and lowest experiences?

Feel free to share in the comments or share your thoughts in your blog (and link here).

Photo by: Enrico Nunziati

I wonder if I’ll get 31% discount for ice cream today, because I turn 31!

I scheduled this post ahead of time because I won’t be around. We will be traveling to Ipoh right after lunch.

I look back to a post I wrote when I was 28, and there’s so many changes in the past three years.

Some notable differences:

1. I have less money in the bank account!
2. Owe the bank even more money.
3. More likely to lose my temper.
4. My knees don’t hurt that much anymore because I’m 12 kg lighter!
5. My pants size has gone from 37 down to 32
6. I can understand baby talk
7. I like eating duku langsat now (introduced by mother in law)

For interesting reading, you may also want to check out the post I wrote when I turned 29.

What do I want for my birthday? I’m not really expecting anything because I’m an adult now, and most of the time I can’t give anything in return.

Even after three years, my wish list remains more or less the same. A nice KFC meal and some socks would make me more than happy.

For the record, my favorite cake is German Black Forest. But don’t worry, I’m not picky and any cake is fine. Bonus points if there’s durian involved.

My secret wish is to have a relaxing weekend with well-behaved kids and maybe some bowling.

Will be back next week with photos!

Photo By: Asif Akbar

Social media has become a popular buzz word these days.

It seems everybody is trying to get into social media. My company has even formed a new department just to promote our products and activities online.

Most people would equate social media to Facebook or Twitter alone, but social media transcends any single website or service.

To me, social media services allow us to consume each other’s lives.

When you follow, friend or subscribe to someone, you open the floodgates to their thoughts, interests, and activities.

I have been a user of services like SixDegrees, Friendster, Digg, StumbleUpon, Facebook, Delicious, LinkedIn and Twitter. Since I got my new phone, I’ve even started Foursquare, Waze and GetGlue accounts.

I’ve found one weakness of social media after using these services for some time.

The terrible fact is, all the social media in the world is useless if you don’t have friends who are equally interested (and active) in social media.

<rant class=’dramatic melancholy’>

It can get very lonely and disheartening.

Somehow, somewhere I have gotten so busy updating random facts about my life and checking in all over the place.

But was anyone listening? It’s like I’m shouting into a canyon and all I get is my own echo.

What can I offer that can stand from all the digital noise?

I’m not a sweet young thing, a celebrity, an outrageous personality or a talented whatever. I’m just a regular guy. Who would be interested to know about my life?

I’m really glad to have met some new acquaintances online. But when I look carefully, I have met all of you through blogging, not through services like Twitter or Facebook.

I feel it’s all meaningless… like typing 4 8 15 16 23 42 every 108 minutes. Take for example my latest tweet “Good morning and Happy September”.

What was the point of that message and will it mean anything one week from now, or even 24 hours from now?

Then there are privacy issues and the danger of revealing TMI in a moment of excitement or anger.

</rant>

Breathe.

So what am I going to do? First of all, I’m going to stop using some of my ‘social media’ accounts. There’s just no point and it’s not worth the time.

Second, I’m going to try to engage people in conversation instead of publishing random thoughts.

Third, I’m going to try channeling most of my updates back through this blog. Blog posts allow me to express my thoughts and feelings better than 140 characters can.

Fourth, I may be removing some ‘friends’ and stop following so many people. Don’t worry… if you’re reading this blog post then you’re probably not one of them. I’m talking about those you add, but have not sent a single message (or worse, never bothered to reply my messages!).

In case you skipped all the above and just read the last line, what I’m expressing is my poor user experience with social media because, well, I’m failing in the ‘social’ part. I start to see it’s kind of pointless for me, and I have decided to take action.

P/S: I realize I’ve been saying a lot of things are meaningless. I’m not trying to be difficult or sound suicidal, but a lot of things that occupy our time, energy and attention are really meaningless in the sense that you get no lasting value, and sometimes you don’t even get appreciated.

Photo by: B Cleary

Do you ever have dreams of making a living from your passion? I’m sure you do.

Well last night I’ve taken my first step to achieving my dream.

I’ve been feeling depressed lately so I think this little project will give me a nice distraction.

I don’t really want to reveal what my dream is at this moment. Why? First of all I’m a little afraid to announce something and then fail. Second of all, I’m worried people will laugh at my silly dreams.

I know those fears are not rational, but I am not such a bold person.

So what’s the point of reading this blog post, if I’m not going to say anything?

Well, just to allow me to share my excitement with you.

I started having this dream in my heart early this year. I was trying to answer the question: What would get me excited to wake up in the morning? How can I make a living while having fun at the same time?

From there, the dream was born. I shared this dream with Poey Chin and she was quite supportive (as she always is). She even threw in a few ideas.

The next thing I did was to lay out a ten year plan. How I would begin, what I would have to do to make it happen, and how I was going to get there.

The dream was put to rest for a few months while we were busy with Daryl, but I think now is a good time to start.

It’s not going to cost me a lot of money in the beginning, but as time goes on the costs will rise exponentially.

I have to admit it looks really daunting. There’s so many things I don’t know. Worst of all, there are things I will have to do I am not comfortable doing.

In this first step I’m still unsure. My legs are still trembling and I can’t stand steadily. I still need a hand to hold me.

But I’ll take it one step at a time. And I hope I get confidence along the way.

Wish me luck!

Do you have dreams? Have you taken steps to earn a living from your passions or hobbies? Share your experience in the comments!

Note: this is a dream that will take many years and a thousand steps to achieve. So if my bosses are reading, don’t worry ok?

Photo By: seansbizz

Before I went to sleep last night, I felt a deep sense of regret. It seems like I have accomplished nothing.

Throughout the night, I felt restless. Even my dreams were uneasy. I kept dreaming that I had work to do, tasks to finish.

And this morning as I was woken up, I felt really unsatisfied because I couldn’t finish the work I had been dreaming about.

Last Friday evening was full of hope, full of possibilities.

Saturday morning was filled with exciting freedom.

Sunday was moody and heartbreaking. And last night was totally depressing.

Poey Chin cooked me a bowl of prawn-mee flavoured instant noodles trying to cheer me up, and it helped.

But as I went to sleep I felt that I could have spent my time better.

Sometimes I wonder if I would feel the same before I die.

Would my life be totally wasted? Would I die feeling unsatisfied, feeling like I wasted all my time?

Even if I accomplish many things, will it matter after I’m gone?

In the end, it’s all nothing. Nothing lasts forever, not even happiness.

Work is meaningless. Wealth is meaningless. Life is meaningless.

I’m going mad. I tell you that I’m losing my sanity.

I’m tired of repeating myself. I’m sick of screaming at her, trying to get Rachel to obey.

I’ve tried so many ways, but she just wants to do what she wants to do.

There is no reasoning with her.

It’s frustrating, maddening, infuriating.

It’s tiring. It hurts.

It’s disappointing because I always imagined daughters to be sweet, gentle, obedient and submissive to their daddies.

Nowadays Rachel will easily go into bouts of tantrums that could last hours. She will scream, whine and kick if she doesn’t get her way.

It could be triggered over the smallest things, like not making her milk fast enough, not taking her out, or even Poey Chin carrying Daryl.

I’m okay if this happens once in a while. But it happens multiple times a day.

Even worse, she is now starting to be rude to us. She will point her finger at us when she doesn’t like something. She will glare at us.

Then there’s her curiosity. Last night, after we’ve changed her and gotten her ready for bed, she dipped her hands in Daryl’s diaper rash cream and smeared it all over her clothes and body.

As you know, diaper rash cream is water proof and really hard to clean!

Curiosity is good, but why does it need to happen at 11pm?

People tell me it’s just a stage. I really hope it’s just a stage.

And I hope we’ll move on to the next stage soon. Otherwise it’s going be game over for me.

Being really honest and open with you all, I’m miserable at home. Sometimes I feel like escaping to the office or somewhere else.

But that just makes me as a bad father and a selfish husband, doesn’t it?

So you see, I lose either way.

I’m really ashamed to meet any of my neighbours because our home is just so noisy all the time.

Sometimes I look at Daryl and I really have fear in my heart. I don’t know how I can go through it again in two years time.

Photo By: Lauri Rantala / cc

I don’t know why this is happening again. It seems like two steps forward, three steps back. Every time I hatch a plan to restore my blog to its former glory, I fall short.

Something else takes my attention away, and I end up abandoning my regular blog posts.

In the blink of an eye, my blog has been become static for almost two months.

I guess I’ve been so caught up with trying to write that ‘hit’ blog post or writing something that will attract search engine traffic.

I keep running over so many ideas, and sometimes I get intimidated and give up before I start writing.

To spare you from further rambling (I’ve already edited out several paragraphs of my frustrations), I have decided to be more ‘free flow’ from now on.

I won’t care if I write another ‘dud’ blog post. I will just write from my heart and feelings, and try to let creativity surprise us all.

Photo By: Agata Urbaniak

I spent the day doing PHP coding for a project at work, and during a break we decided to make a cheesecake.

This time we had a recipe to follow, but were missing a couple (optional) ingredients.

This is the end result: my mummy’s cheesecake recipe.

Looks a bit like a pizza from the top. Here’s how a slice of cheese cake looks after it has set (also after I adjusted white balance):

Recipe is simple:

1. Crush a cup of biscuits (digestive or Marie variety) and mix with half a pack of butter.
2. Line the biscuits in a pan and chill in freezer for ten minutes.
3. Mix a packet of cream cheese with half a cup of sugar, 1/4 cup of milk, juice from 1/2 a lemon and a bit of vanilla essense.
4. Mix till it’s creamy, non-lumpy and smooth.
5. Prepare about 1/2 cup of gelatin liquid and add to the creamy mixture.
6. Remove the biscuit base from the freezer, pour in the cream cheese mixture and place in fridge to set for a few hours.
7. Sprinkle any remaining biscuit crumbs on top for decoration.

It started with a low-grade sore throat, and I was down for a couple of days with fever.

Then the sore throat got worse. Doctor said I had ulcers on my tonsils. At the ulcers hurt whenever I spoke, breathed, or even took a sip of water. Every sip was like drinking molten metal.

I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even sleep.

I tried everything… lozenges, gargling with salt water, gargling with antiseptic mouthwash, taking Manuka honey. Nothing worked.

I contemplated going to ask doctor for some anesthetic spray.

And then last night Poey Chin boiled some nasty herbal drink for me. It was so bitter. Worse of all, it was slightly acidic and it hurt me even more with each sip. It took me half an hour to finish a mug of the drink.

It was supposed to remove the ‘fire’ from my body.

But guess what? An hour after drinking the potion, I could feel relief in my throat. I even managed to drink again without feeling sharp pain.

It has gone down from excruciating pain to a normal sore throat pain. I’m hoping it will go away completely after I take another mug of the drink.

Thank you, my darling wife. I know I usually don’t believe in those Eastern alternative treatment stuff, but this time it worked.

It is something that troubles often, but I have never taken the time to write about it, to explore my feelings, to think it through.

The thing that is bothering me is, is it bad for me to indulge myself? Is it wrong to buy something that I really want?

If you have read this blog long enough, you will see glimpses of the demons that are waging battle in my head.

The Problem

It is almost impossible not to be bombarded with ads or reviews for the latest desirable tech gadgets.

Sometimes when I see the latest Android phone or a useful iPhone application, I am really tempted to get one.

The Android phones are looking really good right now, especially with the Froyo upgrade.

Then I tell myself that I can’t really afford an iPhone, or that the money I save is for the future. The iPad temptation just makes it worse.

Why I’m Unhappy

And that is my problem. I save my money for the future, but in the short term I am unhappy.

I look around me and everyone has an iPhone, even those who have no idea how to use it to its best potential.

When my daughter misbehaves, she sends me into bouts of sadness and depression.

I’m saving all my money for her future, and this is how she treats me?

I am constantly asking myself if it is worth it?

The Downward Spiral

In those moments of sadness, it doesn’t seem to be worth the effort and sacrifice.

I’ll tell myself that I only have one life to live, so why not enjoy it with something to make me happy?

After all, it’s not that I don’t have the money. It’s just that I don’t want to spend the money. Why be so stingy with myself?

So I’ll go to YouTube and various websites to read the latest phone reviews. I’ll start scouting around for the best deals.

Then I start to feel guilty.

Guilty that I am spending my future away. Guilty of self indulgence while I advice others on my blog not to do the same.

Guilty of spending money on myself while I ask those around me to give up luxuries (e.g. life without Astro). Guilty that I am not planning responsibly for my family.

And this guilt is painful. I just bury the pain, looking forward to a better future with the money I save.

I tell myself not to look at these things, to focus on the bigger goals in life. And it works, for a while.

And then something happens, and I question if it is all worth it again…

My Struggle

I don’t know if any of you experience this, but I actually hurt whenever I see an iPhone ad on TV or on a billboard.

It feels like a knife stabs my heart and twisting it around.

It hurts because I see something I will never be able to have.

Making things worse, Apple will probably announce the next iPhone model today. (Update: iPhone 4 released!)

Moving On

There are only two ways to go from here.

I could just go ahead with the purchase to make myself happy. But the question I ask myself is, will there be another new ‘thing’ I desire after this?

The second path is to break free from consumerism. Break free from the desires planted by popular culture and advertising. Be grateful with what I have instead of wanting more.

My brain tells me to choose the second path, but my heart alternates between the two choices.

Self Analysis

As I complete this post, it dawns on me that the problem has nothing to do with buying a new phone for myself.

Even getting a new phone for free would not solve the problem.

There’s a deeper dissatisfaction or discontentment that I cannot pinpoint.

Maybe my priorities are out of alignment. Maybe I’m too selfish. Maybe I’m too inconsiderate. Maybe I’m just thinking too much.

I don’t know.