A melancholic post for this Christmas season.
How exciting to be a child once again. I would have all the time in the world, and anything was possible.
I felt like I could have done anything if I had worked harder on it. It was just a matter of time.
But time slipped by and the hands of the clock didn’t stop their relentless march.
Here I am at the mid-point of my life looking back at missed opportunities.
I also realize with dismay that I’m running out of options as I grow older.
As I grew up I realized that I wasn’t the smartest. I wasn’t tall enough, strong enough or fast enough.
I could not be as creative or intelligent as I wanted.
I struggled to grasp the basics of things that seem to come naturally for others.
I am not a gifted, talented or natural at anything.
I am not good looking, charming or witty.
In recent years I realized that I did not have the resources, nor did I know how to gain more.
As time went on, I resigned myself to the fact that there were things I would never be able to do.
It hurts when dreams die.
Yes I look around and I learn to be thankful for the things I have and the people I’ve met. I’m so blessed with my wife and three kids, and for my family who’s always there.
I know I am more fortunate than a lot of people. I’m thankful for so many things.
But still, the dissatisfaction remains. A nagging thought and a stab to the heart at unexpected moments. The silent questions of why and what if.
I can make the feeling go away, but they always come back.
I can’t fully express what I feel. I’m not very good with words.
Opportunities missed are gone forever, and dreams have to be let go.
Younger people will surpass me in success and accomplishments. There will be others who are fortunate enough to receive piles of money while I have to struggle to save a few ringgit.
Maybe you tell me my priorities are not in the right place. What happened to following God’s plan? What happened to thinking about your children?
Maybe it’s time to give up all those selfish things. But I wonder what would be left?
I feel sad and a little scared because I don’t know where I am headed. I don’t dare to dream any more.
Don’t be alarmed or worried for me. I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head. I always feel better after writing about it.
I just hope it doesn’t blow up into some sort of crisis.
Photo By: Benjamin Earwicke