In the Dark Valley of Life

darkness by Piotr Pawel

Hi everyone I’m back after a long break. As you can probably guess from the title, it has been difficult the past few weeks.

I recently mentioned that I was going through some bumps. Well it’s become worse.

Rachel

Rachel is becoming really difficult.

She’s starting to pick up behaviours that we can’t accept.

It seems that she’s even regressing in some areas. She refuses to go to daycare, refuses to walk by herself, throwing tantrums.

I’ve tried being nice, being tough, and nothing works.

She just won’t listen or accept any explanation or reasoning. She goes into crying, screaming and stamping her feet when her demands are not met immediately.

Sometimes we just can’t give in because she demands to do something dangerous or impossible (like going to the park at 5am).

I really have nothing left to give. No more energy, no more dignity, no more patience.

Some say it’s the terrible timing of going through her early toddler years and the pending arrival of our third baby.

Yesterday Nichole and Rachel visited an expert in church and she came back with some helpful tips. Turns out there are ways to handle all these demands and tantrums in positive ways.

So we will be trying to follow and hope things improve.

Baby 3

I’m sorry to say this, but our third child is really the forgotten one. We’re so occupied with Rachel and Daryl that sometimes I don’t even remember Poey Chin is pregnant.

In the blink of an eye, Poey Chin is almost five months pregnant.

This weekend we will be having a checkup, and we hope to find out if we’re having a baby boy or girl so stay tuned.

I don’t tell anyone but I Baby 3 will stress our finances to the breaking point.

Money

I’m really worried about our finances.

In the span of a few years, I’ve gone from really comfortable, to just okay, to swimming hard to stay afloat.

I was hoping to sell off some of my shares to settle some upcoming insurance and medical bills for child delivery, but look at the stock market these few weeks.

Still in Chinese New Year mood because everything is red!

And on the other side of the spectrum, expenses keep climbing. Milk. Diapers. Doctor visits. Vitamins. Food.

I’m considering selling my car and cycling to work (it’s a 25km round trip). Maybe I’ll get a night-shift job at McDonald’s.

Maybe I’ll try harder to get income from blogging (HAHAHAHAHAHA joke of the year. Refer to sections ‘Rachel’ and ‘Baby3’ above).

Work

I try not to talk about my work, but work is making me unhappy too.

I’m doing a lot of things that keep me from doing things I’m supposed to be doing. Why? Because we’re shorthanded. And it’s really tough to find good replacements for staff who leave.

Maybe we’re just too nice because when someone complains, we have to take tasks as reassign to someone who doesn’t complain. Or, I end up having to do it myself.

Yesterday one of my most dependable and capable staff just resigned. I feel happy for that person, finding better opportunities. But I feel sad for myself. It’s like having to start all over again.

Two of my staff have resigned since bonus payout, and I’m suspecting one or two more are thinking about it.

Trying so hard for so few results. Everyone wants things to be perfect, user-friendly and delivered right now. I want that too, but I only have two hands and one brain.

The Dark Valley

So I’m not happy at home. I’m not happy at work.

On weekdays I don’t look forward to weekends and on weekends I don’t look forward to weekdays.

Everything I try ends with disappointment or discouragement.

I am failing as a father, a husband, a leader, a person.

I can only take it one day at a time. Hope tomorrow will be better. Try to survive the dark valley and come out stronger.

Image By: Piotr Pawel

11 thoughts on “In the Dark Valley of Life”

  1. Going to park at 5am, I like it ๐Ÿ˜€
    Ben would like to go to swim at 10pm, going to market in the evening, going to beach the next day when japan was hit with tsunami, etc.
    They are so naive, innocent and cute, aren’t they? ๐Ÿ™‚

    Adino: Yeah haha. I read that kids can’t control impulses very well, which is why they can’t ‘wait’ until the right time.

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